


Shitpost Repository

by peonylanterns



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, shitpost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-07-28 22:31:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16251113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peonylanterns/pseuds/peonylanterns
Summary: This is a collection of shitposts that I've written, gathered in one place for my own convenience.





	1. 1. Bee Movie

**Author's Note:**

> All of these shitposts have been generated from prompts suggested in the ["A Puzzle Just For Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6776461/chapters/15487282) (written by [neroli9](https://archiveofourown.org/users/neroli9/pseuds/neroli9)) discord. 
> 
> If you've never read APJFM, I strongly recommend you give it a look. It's probably one of the best fanfics I've read in my entire life.
> 
> It's a Sans/Reader slow burn set in a Mob AU - the smut is hot, the plot is engaging, and the Sans is incredibly well written. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll gnash your teeth at the infuriating (but extremely clever) puns littered throughout. 
> 
> \---
> 
> Please also note that because these are shitposts, quality may be lacking. I cranked most of these out within a day.

Prompt via Minagi:

Chillin on the couch, watching a cheesy comedy. Sans gets wrapped up in his thoughts, and accidentally voices his feelings towards reader. He panics, trying to cover it up, but reader surprises him by confessing their own feelings. Adorably awkward first kiss, at which point pap comes home bonus features: puns are great. no ecto anything. set on surface. light hearted and cavity inducing sweetness.

* * *

 

“Oh god.” You cover your eyes as Larry David attempts to explain a swastika to a seven year old. “If you make me watch any more of this, I may actually die.”

“aw, c’mon. this is classic humor. this is  _ art _ . are you sayin’ you can’t appreciate art?”

“Yes. I am unenlightened and I suck.” Larry David is now trying to explain to the seven year old who Hitler is. “Please. This is the third episode in a row and I am suffering.”

Sans sighs and pauses the DVD. “fine, fine. what’re  _ you _ in the mood for, then?”

———

It’d been a lazy Sunday morning, one unexpectedly heavy with snow. By 9AM, it piled close to three feet high - a depth that many of your neighbors would find impossible to traverse. The mustachioed rocks down the street, you remember, are only about eight inches high.

Papyrus, cavalier as ever, had insisted on shoveling a comprehensive path through the neighborhood that would allow every house in the cul-de-sac access to the road, which, thanks to the constant rounds of the city plow trucks, was relatively clear.

“It’s still snowing,” you had reminded him.

“NOTHING CAN QUENCH MY PASSION FOR COMMUNITY SERVICE,” he had replied.

Still, you suspect that part of the reason for his departure lies in the fact that Papyrus somehow hates Curb Your Enthusiasm even more than you do. 

“WHAT IS THE POINT OF WATCHING AN OLD MAN CONTINUALLY HUMILIATE HIMSELF?” Papyrus had asked. “DO HUMANS REALLY FIND THIS ENJOYABLE?”

“yes,” said Sans.

“Only the worst of us,” you added.

“CLEARLY,” said Papyrus.

———

“wanna watch a movie, then? black panther just came out on netflix.”

“No, I wanna watch something mindblowingly stupid.”

Sans toggles the screen over to the comedy section. “well then, let’s see what they’ve got on offer.”

You scan the listing half-heartedly until you catch a glimpse of something promisingly awful. “Wait. Stop scrolling. I wanna watch that.”

“seriously?”

“Yes.”

“you don’t wanna watch larry david, the undisputed master of his craft, but you wanna watch  _ this _ ?”

“Just put the movie on.”

———

“ _ According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. _

_ The bee, of course, flies anyway. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.” _

Sans groans. “please dust me.”

———

“wait, why’s the bee sound so familiar?”

“Because it’s Jerry Seinfeld.”

Sans buries his head in his hands. “This is the worst day of my life.”

———

“is… is the bee using honey simultaneously as mouthwash and deodorant?”

“I think so.”

“are you making me watch this because you hate me?”

“But I thought you liked cheesy humor!”

“believe it or not,” he says, his voice still carrying a note of abject despair. “even i have my limits.”

———

Sans watches the insect version of Jerry Seinfeld flirt with a human woman with a look of horror on his face. “was this movie cross-listed in the romance section?”

“I dunno. Didn’t think to check.”

He leans back into the sofa with a thousand mile stare. “this is  _ not  _ the kind of interspecies sex i’m into.”

You stare at him. “You’re into interspecies sex?”

“what? no, i - ”

Grinning, you lean towards him. “Are you into humans?”

“hey, c’mon, i didn’t mean it like th - ”

“Is that why you always wanna go drinking at Gino’s? Because you wanna get with something blobby and organic?”

“no, listen to me, it’s because - ”

Suddenly there’s something a little strained in your smile. “Is it because you wanna get with Amy Hawkins?”

“no,” Sans says loudly. He looks incredibly frustrated. “it’s because i want to get with  _ you _ .”

For a moment, you’re both silent. In the background, insect Jerry Seinfeld uses a nail file as a surfboard. “Cowabunga!” he says, riding a violent swirl of water into the vortex of a toilet.

“That was probably the worst possible accompaniment to your confession,” you say without looking at the screen. 

“yeah,” he says apologetically. “you’re probably right.”

“But I don’t give a single shit about that,” you say, grabbing his collar and dragging him towards you. With a boldness that surprises the both of you, you kiss him hard, lips against teeth, flesh against bone. 

———

Papyrus slams the door open with his usual vigor and shouts, “SANS, DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE - AH. I SEE YOU ARE… IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING.”

“No, no, nothing going on over here,” you say hurriedly, frantically pulling your shirt down.

“absolutely nothing suspicious,” says Sans. He takes off his jacket and accidentally tosses it over your head instead of your torso. 

“I… AM GOING TO PICK UP SOME GROCERIES NOW. IT WILL PROBABLY TAKE ME…” Papyrus looks at his watch. “PRECISELY FORTY-FIVE MINUTES.”

“papyrus, i love you.”

“BY THE TIME I GET HOME, I EXPECT THE BOTH OF YOU TO BE PRESENTABLE AND  _ THAT _ ,” he points to insect Jerry Seinfeld, who is now wearing a tuxedo jacket and wildly gesticulating in court, “TO BE GONE.”

“Oh it will be,” you say, pulling the jacket off of your head and nodding.

Papyrus gives you both an unamused look before turning around and slamming the door shut behind him. 

“well then,” says Sans. “where were we?”


	2. possible vulkin abuse

Prompt via [Arejare](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arejare/pseuds/Arejare): It's high summer, everyone is suffering from the heat, even monsters which were used to live in hotland are complaining.  
Reader can't take it anymore and decided to involve sans (or the skelebros, or sasha for APJFM for example) into a water battle with water balloons, illegally opened fireplug/water hydrant, water pistols or what ever - and of course magic is highly recommended to use for shenanigans :D  
\----  
I will be the first to admit that I completely failed the spirit of this prompt.

* * *

 

Vulkin makes a small, confused noise as a tiny puff of smoke rises from its crater.

Sans stops dead in his tracks and nearly drops the two popsicles that he’s carrying. “what’re you doing?”

“An experiment,” you say, putting the tip of the pipette back in your cup of water.

“an experiment.” he echoes. “where’d you get that pipette?”

“Your lab materials.” Carefully, you refill the plastic tube of the pipette with tap water. “You said I could use your stuff, so I did.”

“i said you could use it _within reason,”_ he snaps. “give me that.”

“I don’t want to,” you say, not looking at him. You’re about to dribble a few more water droplets in Vulkin’s crater when you feel Sans’ magic wrapping around your arm and freezing it in place.

“did you maybe _ask_ vulkin if it would be ok with your little experiment?”

“Of course I did,” you reply, annoyed. “What kind of irresponsible person do you think I am? Besides, it likes it - don’t you, Vulkin?”

Vulkin stamps its feet in apparent excitement. “Tickly♥!” it squeals.

“Yeah, so it’ll be fine,” you say, patting Vulkin’s pudgy little body affectionately with your free hand. Vulkin then tries to sit in your lap, but you sternly _tsk_ at them. “Vulkin, _no_. We talked about this, remember? Not unless I have the shiny grey blanket.”

“that is _not_ what the fire retardant blanket is for,” says Sans.

Vulkin looks disappointed. “Wanna sit”, it says, kicking forlornly at the sidewalk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was more, but it devolved into "would pouring a glass of water into vulkin result in a pumice chunk" and then "since pumice is in demand by the cosmetic industry could i turn a profit via vulkin abuse".

**Author's Note:**

> This is the fluffiest thing I have ever written. And now I have to write a million gore fics as recompense.


End file.
